Repetitive
Like usual, I find that issues in my work life mirror those in my own life. Issues I've had for a long time. Last week brought it home for me. Let me preface my story by saying that I wasn't born a patient person - I've had to work hard at it and I willingly admit that I have a "patience bank". Only so much patience can be "withdrawn" before there's a deficiency, then there's no more to go around.
Not much drains my patience (and empathy) more than listening to someone state the same thing over and over again. In the same way my autistic students hate doing tasks over again, I hate hearing things over again when I've already been told. In a parent meeting last week, I had the opportunity to let a parent know some pretty good things about her son. Mostly because, even though he's autistic, he's quite bright. He can read and take visual cues like no one's business, which is wonderful since I can encourage appropriate behavior using that channel. This year has been a difficult one, though, because of the shortage of special education teachers available. As a result, this little guy's class has had a sub with very limited experience, which led to Tommy being mainstreamed less, going on less outings with general ed, and certain lack of variety of subjects covered in class. All of these concerns are valid. I would be disappointed also if Tommy was my son and he was not being challenged enough or didn't have enough opportunities to be with his general ed peers. What I do take issue with is listening to the same complaint five or six times after the new teacher has apologized and explained what has been done to rectify the situation. Here is my breakdown for repetitions of complaints:
First time you say something, I will listen and remember, even if it looks like it hasn't registered.
Second time, I know it's important to you and I'm thinking of solutions to the problem, while getting slightly annoyed.
Third time, I'm annoyed.
Fourth time, I'm rolling my eyes inside my head, and I've quit paying attention to the other things you're saying, even if it's something new and important.
Fifth time, I'm pissed now, have tuned you out completely, and am planning my exit strategy.
Everyone deals with repetitions differently. This woman's husband was dealing with the complaints by being what I like to call a "silent lump", the teacher continued to apologize (which only seemed to feed the woman's complaints), a few team members looked at the clock, stood up, and excused themselves, and the rest of us sat there.
On my way home, I got to thinking about how upset I got about this woman's nagging (I'll call a spade a spade at this point). Then it got me thinking about how many other times that people in my personal life have mentioned things more than once, and I have to admit that my reactions are similar. I think it's because I assume that, if people are telling me things more than once, they think I can't remember or that I didn't get it the first time. Either way, I find it insulting. The one exception is when I have listened to my grandparents retell stories, events, or something they're concerned about.
Since this issue keeps popping up, I obviously need to find a different outlook and ways of dealing with it.
Not much drains my patience (and empathy) more than listening to someone state the same thing over and over again. In the same way my autistic students hate doing tasks over again, I hate hearing things over again when I've already been told. In a parent meeting last week, I had the opportunity to let a parent know some pretty good things about her son. Mostly because, even though he's autistic, he's quite bright. He can read and take visual cues like no one's business, which is wonderful since I can encourage appropriate behavior using that channel. This year has been a difficult one, though, because of the shortage of special education teachers available. As a result, this little guy's class has had a sub with very limited experience, which led to Tommy being mainstreamed less, going on less outings with general ed, and certain lack of variety of subjects covered in class. All of these concerns are valid. I would be disappointed also if Tommy was my son and he was not being challenged enough or didn't have enough opportunities to be with his general ed peers. What I do take issue with is listening to the same complaint five or six times after the new teacher has apologized and explained what has been done to rectify the situation. Here is my breakdown for repetitions of complaints:
First time you say something, I will listen and remember, even if it looks like it hasn't registered.
Second time, I know it's important to you and I'm thinking of solutions to the problem, while getting slightly annoyed.
Third time, I'm annoyed.
Fourth time, I'm rolling my eyes inside my head, and I've quit paying attention to the other things you're saying, even if it's something new and important.
Fifth time, I'm pissed now, have tuned you out completely, and am planning my exit strategy.
Everyone deals with repetitions differently. This woman's husband was dealing with the complaints by being what I like to call a "silent lump", the teacher continued to apologize (which only seemed to feed the woman's complaints), a few team members looked at the clock, stood up, and excused themselves, and the rest of us sat there.
On my way home, I got to thinking about how upset I got about this woman's nagging (I'll call a spade a spade at this point). Then it got me thinking about how many other times that people in my personal life have mentioned things more than once, and I have to admit that my reactions are similar. I think it's because I assume that, if people are telling me things more than once, they think I can't remember or that I didn't get it the first time. Either way, I find it insulting. The one exception is when I have listened to my grandparents retell stories, events, or something they're concerned about.
Since this issue keeps popping up, I obviously need to find a different outlook and ways of dealing with it.
posted by Notta Wallflower at 7:31 PM
14 Comments:
It is frustrating. I get this at work a lot. My boss, whether he realizes it or not, repeats himself constantly. I think he just doesn't trust that other people *get* what he's saying. Sometimes I repeat myself at home, sometimes because John really doesn't remember stuff and sometimes because I forgot I already said it.
I hope things improve with the kid though. He sounds like he's actually got a chance to live a semi normal life if they keep up with it.
Laura - I think he'll do fine in life if his mom can learn to productively advocate for him by just stating the problem, what she'd like to have done about it, and a possible plan of action. As for repeating, I do it sometimes if I know someone has memory issues. Otherwise I go under the assumption that I've been heard. Of course, this has not worked 100% for me either. :-P
I hate when people repeat things to me. I do it to my husband all the time. I try not to but it happens from time to time. But again hope things work out for young Tommy. Kids like that break my heart.
I think I might have mentioned this before but when K was in preschool before headstart she was in the class with autistic children and she was great with them. She pulled them out of there shells as you might say. Even now in Kindergarten she seems to pull the shyer ones out of there shells and gets them to play with her.
But you hear parents complain all day long about what could be going on and it isnt. Arent the parents suppose to be part of the solution also??? LOL.. Not just the teacher and school. I have learned that one with all my complaints about school. Hope things get better for you all soon.
Tweety - for the most part, the parents I work with are pretty good. There are a few, though, who drive me nuts. :-P
I have a tough time with "repeaters" too. I let my attention wander too much when Richard is re-hashing a 9/11 theory or my grandparents are telling me a story for the zillionth time, but I think I need to work on my patience too. Repeaters don't mean to be insulting, usually - they just know that the human brain is like a big sieve. ;)
P.S. You strike me, in your work, as someone with a tremendous amount of patience. A truly impatient person could never do what you're doing. Give yourself some credit!
SME - Thanks for the encouragement. I know I'm patient. Several people have wondered openly how I do what I do for work. I tend to have more patience for my students than anyone else, partly because I feel like it's a requirement. I also know that, most times, they don't mean to try my patience. Things are easier to justify for kiddos with disabilities. Not that I try to make excuses for behavior, but it makes you look at the intent or reasoning behind what is happening. Many times, it's not just because they want to be "naughty". But when I deal with adults, I make far less accomodations and allowances.
I think sometimes us adults think other adults should know better when they complain about there children. Me included here in that statement. LOL.. But teachers have a better grasp on whats really going on with the child in the classroom. Us parents arent always there so we have no idea. I Know again I have complained and I should really have thought my thoughts out before just saying them and getting so upset. But keep up the good work and hopefully this parent will see that you are trying. And also maybe she will be part of the solution by the end of the year.
You definitely have more patience than I. Five times, I would have already told them to shut up.
ZS - Like I said, part of my job is patience. However, it might make you feel better to know that I run a mental list of what I'd like to say to people in my head as I'm sitting there being nice. :-P
Yes, frustrating. But I admire you for sticking to it so you can creatively find a way to address it where others won't be on the defensive! lol!!
Hi Michael - Long time. Creative, I guess is a good way to put it. :-)
You should meet my mother, she'd drive you insane! ;)
TSHS - I have no doubt. LOL There are a few people I know in my personal life who do that. I can only take it in small doses. :-P
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