Reckless Abandon

So I've almost hit the "one month" milestone of having joined 24 Hour Fitness and actually using the membership (quite a concept, I know). I wake up at about 4:45 most mornings and get there before the rush. Previously, when I've tried an exercise routine, it was in the evening, which lasted for about a couple of weeks, especially during times when work was demanding. There was always a reason why I was too tired at the end of my workday to go exercise. At least in the morning, nothing has happened to screw up my day yet, so I cannot make any excuse to not get my ass outta bed and get to the club. I thought I would be more self-conscious about the state of my appearance that early in the morning - I basically roll out of bed, manage to brush my teeth, get dressed, and go, which means that my hair and face could be in all sorts of disarray. However, it seems that I'm in good company in the wee hours of morning, because I'm definitely not the only poor soul with bad hair.

For a few weeks now, I have been annoyed when I begin working out, because about five minutes into my time on the elliptical, a middle-aged man shows up with disheveled hair and a muscle shirt, popping his gum loudly and singing to what is on his iPod. He also closes his eyes and throws his body all about when he's exercising - it's quite distracting. In general, he is "loud" and seems to be exclaiming with how he presents himself, "Here I am in all my glory - take it in!". Let me be clear - it's not that I'm as much annoyed at him as I am at myself. I don't have the kind of reckless abandon that other people seem to. First of all, there's no way in hell I can close my eyes and move my body all over when I'm on the workout equipment, otherwise I'd fall off in a most disgraceful fashion and land in a heap on the floor. Secondly, I care way too much about how others view me and I like to remain as inconspicuous as possible, which I accomplish partly by not making eye contact with others while I am working out.

This self consciousness seems to be a theme lately. When we visited Carmel a few weekends ago and were listening to the band play in the park, there were people who got up to dance while I opted to sit and relax. These people were not the prettiest people in the world, or the most graceful. But they didn't care - they shook their groove thangs anyway without a thought as to what others' impressions of them were. When I drive around or walk around, and I catch someone looking at me, I scowl at them as if to say "don't look at me!!!". What is my big aversion to being noticed, even for positive reasons? How can I live my life with a little less anxiety and uncertainty and a little more confidence and assuredness?