Bad Influence
Well, it finally happened. I knew it would at some point, but it doesn't make the sting any less painful. My son is not allowed to be around his cousin (who is a year and a half younger) anymore because my aunt and uncle feel that K is "too advanced" for their son. I understand that people have different parenting styles - I've been very liberal with my son in what he has been exposed to. There is not too much he hasn't seen and I would not have it any other way. The way I see it is that if you shelter your child from too much, they will end up being exposed to certain things at some point. At least if it happens around their parents, it's in a controlled environment. Mind you, I'm not so radically liberal to say, "okay son, if you feel like drinking beer, at least do it here at home even though you're not old enough". I'm more conservative when it comes to drugs and alcohol, but I'm liberal when it comes to the media that K has been exposed to. At least that way, we can talk about issues instead of letting them stay hidden. I don't agree with over-exposing children when they are younger - I think that some things should be censored a bit more when they are quite young.
Part of the reason why I'm over-reacting to this situation is because I remember being the "bad seed". When I was in junior high, I had a friend who I'll call Mary. We became very close friends and would spend a weekend night either at my house or hers. What I didn't realize (because I wasn't raised to be very aware of other religions) is that Mary's family was very Catholic. One night when I was sleeping over, Mary's parents took us to go rent a video and they let me pick. Being raised in a very liberal household (with very little restrictions on media), I picked "Breakfast Club". Well, we got into about 10 minutes of the movie before Mary's parents faces turned beet red and the movie was turned off for the night. Not much was ever said to me about the incident, but I went over to Mary's less and less. Eventually, we were not even running in the same circle of friends at all.
I look back now and I kind of shake my head. Am I a bad or dishonorable person now because I was exposed to a lot of things when I was younger? I don't think so. I don't believe that K will turn into a bad person just from being exposed to the things he has, otherwise I would not have raised him in the manner that I have. The only difference between myself and K is that I have learned to hide parts of myself from others so that they only see what I want them to see. K hasn't learned that yet....
Part of the reason why I'm over-reacting to this situation is because I remember being the "bad seed". When I was in junior high, I had a friend who I'll call Mary. We became very close friends and would spend a weekend night either at my house or hers. What I didn't realize (because I wasn't raised to be very aware of other religions) is that Mary's family was very Catholic. One night when I was sleeping over, Mary's parents took us to go rent a video and they let me pick. Being raised in a very liberal household (with very little restrictions on media), I picked "Breakfast Club". Well, we got into about 10 minutes of the movie before Mary's parents faces turned beet red and the movie was turned off for the night. Not much was ever said to me about the incident, but I went over to Mary's less and less. Eventually, we were not even running in the same circle of friends at all.
I look back now and I kind of shake my head. Am I a bad or dishonorable person now because I was exposed to a lot of things when I was younger? I don't think so. I don't believe that K will turn into a bad person just from being exposed to the things he has, otherwise I would not have raised him in the manner that I have. The only difference between myself and K is that I have learned to hide parts of myself from others so that they only see what I want them to see. K hasn't learned that yet....
posted by Notta Wallflower at 3:49 PM
9 Comments:
Parents don't understand that shielding their children to certain realities is why kids go crazy when they hit college. My parents were strict Catholics and when I hit puberty and saw that my friends were having fun but I had restrictions to which the answer was not satisfactory enough I acted out. I think that children should know the consequences to their actions and allow them to make the decision. Parents should be guides that gently nudge them along and not tell them what they can and can not do.
Justice - yeah, when Breakfast Club came out, it was very popular. I still remember that movie and how much I enjoyed it. :-P
Angel - That's pretty much my thinking - if you put too many restrictions on kids, they will find a way to do what they want to anyway. You can go through a litany of "should and should not"'s with your child and they will nod their head, say "ummhmm", and then do what they want to anyway. All the while, not listening to a thing you said. :-P
That has to sting. In high school I had a boyfriend whose parents thought I was a bad influence on him, and my mom is *still* burned up about it. I thought it was kind of cool, like ooh, I'm a wild thing, which was a laugh. To this day, if I accomplish something, my mom will want it printed in the local paper just so Doug's mom will see how great her daughter turned out.
I watched the Breakfast Club with my parents. My dad was bothered by the pot smoking scene, and complained that the movie was glorifying drug use to a teenage audience. At the time, I thought, my dad is a pain. But looking back, you're right -- watching the movie together lead us into a family discussion about the issue.
Tessence - That's the thing - even though I lost a friend because I was raised differently, I was not a wild child at all. Like you, I watched a lot of shows with my parents. It led to good discussions. One time, I remember my mom and I sitting in the living room and she asked me point blank if I would have sex with a guy before I was married. At the time, I said "No, I don't think it's right" and her response was "Not even if you loved someone very much?". She never tried to trap me that way, but just get me thinking about all of the "what ifs" of life. To this day, we have open conversations - I value them a lot.
I hear this crap all the time from my parents. What's funny is that it's never about our 13 yr old son; it's about our 27 yr old daughter! "She wouldn't have those free-thinking attitudes if you hadn't raised her that way."
My husband and I are actually quite proud of the way she thinks.
Storm - I totally agree. The thing is is that each parent has their own "to a certain point". It's hard for me to bite my lip when I see a parent whose viewpoint is different than my own, especially when it directly involves my son. That's something I need to personally work on.
TSHS - What about the kids who aren't free thinkers? The kids who can't think for themselves are the ones who succumb to peer pressure. What's funny is that most of my friends in high school drank and did drugs. I never did because I chose not to. Yes, I drank once in a while, but not to the extent that those around me did. I was educated enough to see what happened to people who chose that for themselves, thanks to my mom. My mom was very sheltered by her mom and grew up very scared of things and I think that's why she was so determined to raise us differently.
Exactly! Those kids let others make their decisions for them because that's all they know.
We also taught our kids to respect their elders, BUT respect doesn't mean blindly agreeing with everybody just because they're older.
Well, kids have more influence than parents would like to admit. I was friends with the bad kid in 2nd grade and he got me to steal cigarettes and smoke, in 2nd grade. Luckily, it didn't take long for my father to find out.
Funny thing is he didn't ban me from seeing this kid. He knew this kid had lots of potential, but had criminally stupid parents. so he'd intentionally take us out and spend time with us, making sure he was there to oversee that we didn't do anything bad.
I wonder what happened to the kid. He was rated as a genius in the 3rd grade, but was already known by the police as a bad kid.
ZS - that seems pretty reasonable - just stepping up the supervision a bit. Kids are very influential on other kids - I've seen it for myself and K has had his friends influence him quite a bit. Luckily, he chooses friends wisely.
Julia - I try not to take it personally, but it's hard for me not to. Admittedly, I care too much about what others think.
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