Threatened...
It’s something I hate to admit, but I feel threatened. How else can I explain my strange dreams? Dreams in which I am standing in front of a crowd of my colleagues explaining results from research, when suddenly, my son’s new stepmother is there yelling that my results are all lies – that I’ve falsified everything. Then I wake up short of breath with a feeling like my life is being wrung out of my heart…
The dreams are silly, really. I like K’s stepmom – she’s a genuinely nice person and she’s doing a great job of taking care of K since he’s been there since this past July. The thing is, she’s doing too great of a job – one that used to be mine. Now I am on the outside of a circle waiting to get thrown tidbits of information about K and what is happening in his life. I know there are things I’m not being told – not intentionally, but because life is so full of all the big and little details that some parts don’t get told. Like the other night when J called to ask about K’s extreme fear of needles (he gets his blood drawn tomorrow). I will not be there to hog-tie him when he visits the doctor (something I’ve become quite adept at, even though K’s almost as tall as me). Or last night when J called to ask why K says his homework is done when it’s only half completed. How many times did K and I have similar discussions in previous years? But, I’m not there to harass him about why he’s only done half of his homework. Someone else does it now…
I didn’t expect to miss the hard stuff – the stuff that most parents bitch and moan about. Truth is, I miss the challenges and difficulties as much as the good times – times when K and I glance at each other knowingly and giggle quietly when someone says “duty” (because it sounds like “doodee”) or when we quietly slump side-by-side on the couch and offer Mystery Science Theater-type commentary on evening television shows. I know details about K that not many people know – the kind of knowledge that comes from living with someone so long that you can finish their sentences.
I guess it’s going to take my heart time to catch up to my brain and realize that, even though K is not with me, no one can take a mom’s place.
The dreams are silly, really. I like K’s stepmom – she’s a genuinely nice person and she’s doing a great job of taking care of K since he’s been there since this past July. The thing is, she’s doing too great of a job – one that used to be mine. Now I am on the outside of a circle waiting to get thrown tidbits of information about K and what is happening in his life. I know there are things I’m not being told – not intentionally, but because life is so full of all the big and little details that some parts don’t get told. Like the other night when J called to ask about K’s extreme fear of needles (he gets his blood drawn tomorrow). I will not be there to hog-tie him when he visits the doctor (something I’ve become quite adept at, even though K’s almost as tall as me). Or last night when J called to ask why K says his homework is done when it’s only half completed. How many times did K and I have similar discussions in previous years? But, I’m not there to harass him about why he’s only done half of his homework. Someone else does it now…
I didn’t expect to miss the hard stuff – the stuff that most parents bitch and moan about. Truth is, I miss the challenges and difficulties as much as the good times – times when K and I glance at each other knowingly and giggle quietly when someone says “duty” (because it sounds like “doodee”) or when we quietly slump side-by-side on the couch and offer Mystery Science Theater-type commentary on evening television shows. I know details about K that not many people know – the kind of knowledge that comes from living with someone so long that you can finish their sentences.
I guess it’s going to take my heart time to catch up to my brain and realize that, even though K is not with me, no one can take a mom’s place.
posted by Notta Wallflower at 8:09 PM
9 Comments:
no one can take a mom’s place.
Don't worry. You'll always be Mom, even if you're just there in spirit. No one can replace Mom.
That must be really tough though. Wish I had something nicer to say.
ZS - It's okay, usually I don't pour my heart out on my blog, but this is something that's been persistent ever since K moved. It just takes different forms. I just thought it might help to voice it.
I'd miss the "hard stuff" too and believe me, we've got a LOT of hard stuff with Z!
I've said it before, but I really respect you for struggling through this part of your son's life! I'm just grateful that I don't have to make a gut-wrenching decision like this. You're handling it way better than I could!
Julia - I feel pretty confident in my ability to confront others when I feel something is wrong. I know it's not surprising I'd feel this way, but it doesn't make me feel very good right now.
Storm - That's true - I'm very grateful that she is treating him well. I'd go out of my mind if he was being mistreated.
Justice - No worries - I've got my chin up. :-)
TSHS - Thanks for your support. I can only imagine what you go through with your son (the hard stuff), but it's all worth it in the end. :-)
This is such a huge change in your life. It's not surprising at all that it's hard for you. I'm really impressed that you have the strength to go through with something that, as you said, is really important to your son.
Tessence - Thanks for that. :-) He's happy where he is and people are right - at least he's being treated well.
Change can suck. I have always been one to get easily stressed with change, too. I hope you know that your son loves you and it's pretty awesome that you are letting him live with his dad and stepmom. My husband's parents were divorced and his mom never allowed him to live with his dad. I can tell that he always wanted to get to know his dad better and it gets tougher when you get older. He gets stressed out because he feels that he is tugged between both sets of parents but I always tell him that he should be flattered that all his parents love him and want to see him all the time. It's good that you are all friends, it puts less stress on your son. Hang in there you are doing great.
Having lost my Mom not too long ago I can attest to the fact that ABSOLUTELY NO ONE CAN TAKE A MOM'S PLACE. All hugs pale in comparison.
Angelique - I didn't have a chance to live with my dad either (which is probably a good thing), but I always wondered what it would have been like. The only reason it works with my son living with his dad and stepmom is because we all get along.
Kari - What a sweet way of putting it. I'm sorry about your mom's passing. I have no idea what I'd do without my mom. :-/
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