You Can Lead a Horse to Water...
But I can't make my son drink because he's as stubborn as a mule. Part of my funk started when I came back from visiting my son a few weeks ago. I had a meeting with his teachers, which was very positive, but there is always something said in a parent meeting that leaves me feeling guilty for the choices I've made. K has moved around a lot. Yes, some families do and kids are okay, but it has been difficult for K. Thank goodness he's very good at making friends. After that weekend, I was left with this feeling like "I should be there close to him instead of where I am". Nevermind that Spokane is not where I want to live. As a parent, we do things that aren't about us, but they are in the best interests of our children. K is changing each time I see him - he keeps getting taller and his voice keeps getting deeper (and his hair keeps getting longer). One thing that I know for certain is that he's happy with where he's living - I don't question that it was a good idea to let him live with his dad. Not only is he happy, but he's taking on more responsibility than ever before. Just today, he had to fix the fences because the animals got out. He didn't talk about his responsibility as a bad thing, but seemed proud of it. However, the "can't lead a horse to water" part of this post has to do with academics. He is not doing the best in math and science, and a lot of it has to do with lack of follow-through on directions given and work completion issues - not that he doens't know the material. He had a very rough year in school last year and it was all we could do to keep our heads above water. Towards the end of the year, after spending a lot of time and money on tutoring (with almost no support from school personnel), he failed two classes. At that time, we had both given it all that we could and did the whole "throwing hands up in the air" gesture. Even though I want him to try his best, I could see why he was frustrated last year - I was too. Now, it seems that once you throw your hands in the air, it's hard to get away from doing that. I'll admit - it is a bad trait of mine. I can take a lot of shit, but when I've had it, I've had it. K has not had the best role model in that regard. I think he has learned to be complacent up to a certain point and learn to accept certain things, while trying to do the best he can, but ultimately giving up in the end. So, now when these old issues are creeping up again, and I bring them up to him, how can I be surprised when his response is the "I don't care because it's not going to make a difference" attitude? To put more kinks in this situation, K has always had difficulties with organization and attention to task - especially when it comes to minute details. I remember in third grade, he needed to describe the procedure for a science experiment he did and his description was "you just do it". This pattern of his was always something we accomodated and he always passed each grade with the things we were doing at home. Until last year. I began to suspect ADD, something I'd not wanted to entertain the notion of before. Long story short, he's just finished with a round of neuro-psych testing that has shown that the Wernicke's area (receptive language and auditory processing) area of his brain is not functioning the way it should - the psych told me he had Wernicke's aphasia. For those of you who don't know, aphasia is usually caused by a stroke (although it can be caused by other things like head injuries) and implies that some sort of damage to the brain has happened. So now, I'm mentally going through every little bump on his noggin that he's had throughout his whole lifetime. Then I start questioning whether it might have been something I'd done or something that happened before he was born (I remember falling a few times when I was pregnant). I've finally quit cataloguing all the things I've done wrong, but they are still on my mind tucked away. So, the questions I'm left with after all of this are things like "how do you make a child want to try again after he's already tried and failed?", "what can I do from here to support K and is it enough?", "if K is diagnosed with either a language impairment and/or ADD, how do I not let him use it as a crutch?", "how do I quit beating myself up for every mistake I've made in raising my child?". How do I lead K to the water and have him want to take a drink without the adults in his life forcing it down this throat?
posted by Notta Wallflower at 6:59 PM
9 Comments:
Notta, don't beat yourself up. It sounds like you are a great mom and are trying to do something now to help your son. Just keep supporting him and he will thank you for it later.
Not all people are good students. Your concern is justified but don't beat yourself up. Be supportive and continue to try so he sees that YOU don't give up on him. Later in life he will soooo appreciate that. Hugs.
Okay, I read this to my wife and this is me writing what she's telling me...
First, praise him on his strenghs, then help him with his weaknesses. Teachers often focus on kids' weaknesses, and this only lowers a kid's self-esteem.
Me again. You're doing fine as a mother. Mothers tend to be over critical of themselves. Keep in mind, nobody is perfect. So his faults are not necessarily your fault. Geez, if my mother took responsibility for all my faults, she would have jumped out a window.
Your son and I have a few things in common. I almost flunked out of high school twice, but in college, I grew up and graduated college with almost all A's and B's. In History (my major), I was close to a 4.0.
I wouldn't focus on his disability. Learning disabilities often lead to an excuse for failure. I used to work with kids with learning disabilities. I simply worked around them, rather than seeing them as a setback.
Oh yeah, blaming ourselves is always the first thing we do!
We're finding, after much research and trial and error, that there is always a way around a learning disability. Some of our discoveries have been pretty weird.
We've also discovered that it doesn't matter, in the grand scheme of things, if it takes Z a year or 2 longer to complete high school. The main thing is that he's LEARNING the material.
Like ZS said, we can't let their disabilities become a crutch.
You already know that I've been through all of this. Feel free to email me if you need a shoulder! ;)
Angel - Like TSHS mentioned, I think it's a natural parent instinct to beat yourself up over things. Not saying it's healthy, but it's something we do. Almost like going through grieving - with the different stages.
Kari - I would never give up on K - he and I have talked about his goals for his future and what he wants out of life. If he can keep working, he will build a good life for himself. :-)
Storm - It's so funny - I get irritated with parents who want their kids to be "disabled" so they can get them the support they need. However, now that I'm in this boat, I want K to have the support he needs (not just from home, but from school) to do the best he can.
Julia - A lot of what you went through is what K is/has gone through. It's frustrating for me to watch him go through this, but you're right... we all have our limitations.
ZS - K is finally coming to the point where he can start seeing his strengths. It was not this way for a long time and it was disheartening to hear him put himself down. What you're telling me about kids with learning disabilities is not new - I also work with kids with LD every day. It's just that now I have to apply everything I know about working with my kids at my job to K. :-P
TSHS - I knew that if anyone would understand, you would. I know you've been through a lot with your son and I'm continually amazed and impressed with how you can deal with situations with humor. It definitely comes out in your blogging. You're right though, timeline is not as important as K actually learning what he needs in order to make it in the world. :-)
Great analogy, Notta. That's exactly what it is, a grieving process. First we blame ourselves. Then we mourn the loss of everything we're SURE our kids will NEVER accomplish(this part's a crock). Then we grieve for all the pain our child has suffered because of the situation.
Finally we realize that we're not doing our child any good by grieving. THAT'S where you need the humor to pull yourself out of the funk.
TSHS - I'm still in grieving, but I want to move to the acceptance part so I can help K and quit wallowing. I've been checking in with him daily and I've been doing things for myself on the side that are constructive, like quilting. For some reason, I find it therapeutic.
At least you're a teacher and know how the system works. You also know the acronyms.;) You're already ahead of where I was at your point.
Creating something always makes me feel better too.
Being a speech therapist definitely helps. I'm glad I know the system and what sort of help K will need. It will make it easier to teach him at home and also to make sure he gets the instruction he needs at school. :-) Many parents still don't know what their rights are, but here in CA, more of them do. :-P
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